“It’s possible,” she said
as she walked toward the door,
“All these words that sound
so foreign and unfamiliar?
In time you will come
to know and understand
them all.”
There was little comfort in that
as the new vocabulary words began
their spin-doctoring
ricocheting off
antiseptic white walls
and stainless steel -
shiny steamy bullets
zinging through the air
words of diagnosis screaming
like unseen sirens:
indolent follicular non-hodgkin's lymphoma,
bulky lymphadenopathy,
massive splenomegaly:
stage IV cancer
in case you don’t
understand.
words of materia medica
fall clumsily down foreign alleyways:
cytoxan, rituxan, vincristine,
prednisone, monoclonal antibodies,
allopurinol -
thugs or rescuers?
you decide.
And here come more of
their compatriots in this strange land:
lorazepam, compazine,
morphine, oxycodone,
and neulasta
to cushion
the bumps of the ride
leading to more new vocabulary:
hematology, oncology, pathology, radiology,
behind whose doors lay
more wolves hungry for flesh:
thrombocytopenia, lymphosarcoma,
pleural effusion, peripheral neuropathy
exacerbated by a pre-existing radiculopathy,
neutropenia, low platelets, high eosinophils,
dermatological distress,
and severe pruritis
confirming that, yes indeed,
the 4th ring of hell
truly is relentless itching
night and day
without
reprieve.
there is a tunnel out though
(if you can find it),
but it travels underground
through lands of
cognitive loss, impaired reflexes
and motor function, deteriorated proprioception,
seratonin uptake and neural signaling;
ascites, edema and
steroid psychosis
and the declaration
of “incurable.”
Your GPS won’t work here.
There are no maps -
only complete blood counts,
CD-20 markers, LDH,
bone marrow and lymph node biopsies,
CT and MRI scans
(with and without contrast),
PET scans with their special
radioactive solution injected into the vein.
Oh, and the opiates!
Can’t forget the opiates!
The currency exchange rate is a
Prognostic Indicator Index of: 3
The nurse was right:
With time, it is possible
to learn to speak Medicalese.
Fluency becomes important
if one wishes to blend
and live below the radar
undetected
as an outlier without suspicion
wearing a cloak of invisibility,
with unrealistic optimism,
abnormal cheerfulness,
convenient forgetting,
and knowing that despite
the foreign language and customs
I still remain
and that
‘now’ is all I have --
all that any of us ever has
and that in the end:
everyone.
loses.
every.
thing.
and that despite that
I dare to say:
“I can be healthier than I’ve ever been.”
a revolutionary coup
touching the enemy,
staring him in the eye unflinching
calmly turning away
in search of the land
only few know by name: Outlier -
where there are no definitions
or declarations.
It requires
the courage of Orpheus
traveling down into the underworld
to redeem his love -
his music softening the heart of Hades
into releasing Eurydice
allowing them both safe passage
back to the earth
on one condition:
that he not look back.
